Ep 135: How to Reignite Desire When Everything Else Takes Precedence

Is your marriage stuck where everything else — kids’ schedules, work, chores, the dog, bills — always takes precedence? You crawl into bed feeling more like exhausted teammates than passionate partners, wondering, “How do I bring the spark back when life is this busy?” or “Why does marriage feel like we’re just roommates?”

You’re not alone — and the desire you crave isn’t gone forever. In this deep-dive episode of Married and Connected, marriage coach Kameran reveals the real reason desire fades for 30- to 45-year-old parents: a weak friendship when everything else takes precedence.

The Gottman Institute’s 40+ years of research proves it — the quality of your friendship is the #1 predictor of sexual satisfaction and lasting desire. Strong friendship means turning toward each other’s tiny “bids for connection”; weak friendship means those bids get ignored, resentment builds, and passion dies — leaving you feeling invisible and more like co-parents than lovers.

But friendship can be rebuilt on purpose, even in the busiest season. And when you strengthen it, desire reignites — often faster than you expect.

In this episode you’ll learn:
• Why a weak marriage friendship is the #1 hidden killer of desire when life is nonstop (backed by Gottman research)
• Daily practices that rebuild emotional safety and turn roommates back into lovers
• Vanessa Marin’s sex-therapist secrets for responsive desire — including “chore play,” non-sexual touch, and kissing every night with zero pressure
• Dr. Andrea Vitz’s emotional sobriety tools to stay present instead of reactive
• A simple 7-Day Desire Reset Challenge made for exhausted, over-scheduled parents

Rooted in real-life parenting, eight years coaching hundreds of couples (93% success rate), and faith-based wisdom, this episode delivers immediate steps for “how to bring the spark back when everything else takes precedence,” “reignite intimacy with kids and busy life,” “stop feeling like roommates,” and more.

Tired of surviving side-by-side? Ready to thrive together again?

Book your FREE 30-minute consultation today — no pressure, just an honest conversation to see if 1:1 coaching, couples coaching, or my Skool community is the right next step.

In the Skool community, men learn healthy, strong masculinity at home and women learn soft, feminine strength as a Proverbs 31 wife.

👉 Book your free consultation
👉 Join the Skool community

Subscribe, leave a review, and share with a friend who needs this. New episodes every week.

Stay married and connected.

Keywords / Tags:
reignite desire marriage, bring spark back when everything else takes precedence, stop feeling like roommates in marriage, marriage friendship and desire, Gottman Institute marriage, Vanessa Marin sex after kids, responsive desire marriage, rebuild friendship in marriage, emotional safety marriage, desire when life is busy with kids, faith based marriage intimacy, marriage coaching for parents

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Let's take a quick pause. I want to ask you a serious question. What are you feeding your mind right now? If it's social media, are you tired of doom scrolling through the angry comment sections and political rants yet? What if you use that time to actually fix your marriage? Welcome to the free married and connected school community. It's like social media, but without the ads, without the judgment, and without the noise. Just real self-paced tools that get you out of that roommate phase starting today. Inside, you get an exact blueprint for a weekly State of the Union meeting with your spouse. We're cutting mental load, we're stopping miscommunications, and we're breaking that exhausting loop of doom argument once and for all. Plus, you get instant access to workshops on overcoming resentment and bringing the actual fun back into your marriage. We have a dedicated space just for guys jumping into forging fortitude. It's a 10-week intensive to help you step into your masculine leadership and become the husband and man that God called you to be. And for ladies joining Edifying Eden, we're stepping out of that controlling, nagging era into our soft, nurturing feminine era, even if your husband hasn't taken the reins yet. Either way, you can take responsibility for your side of the street. Stop scrolling the internet and start investing in your home. The community is 100% free with options to purchase certain courses. Click the link in the show notes and join the Married and Connected school community today. I'll see you inside. Marriage isn't supposed to feel like roommates, but it doesn't have to feel like a war either. Hi, I'm Cameron Alaricki, certified marriage coach and a relationship expert. Every week on Married and Connected, I bring you real talk, hard truths, and practical tools you can start using right away. Whether you've been married two years or 42, this is where you'll find hope, encouragement, and steps that actually work. So let's make your marriage feel good again, starting right now. Hey friend, welcome back to another episode of the Married and Connected Podcast. I am Cameron Thompson Alaricki, your host. And this week we are diving into something that I don't really talk about a lot on this podcast, but may start talking about it more because it is that important. Now, before we get too deep in this, um, my podcast really isn't one of those that you want to listen to around a lot of little kids, anyways. But this topic is definitely one that is not safe for small ears. So if you are listening to this right now and you are 30-something, 40-something, married kids, juggling the house, the dog, the jobs, the endless to-do list, all the things. And somewhere in all that beautiful chaos, the desire that you once had for your spouse, the passion that you were just turned on by them all the time isn't necessarily gone forever. But you feel like it's buried under all the soccer schedules and the laundry mountains and the exhaustion that just makes you crawl into bed thinking, thank God, thank God the day is done. And now you feel more like roommates raising kids than lovers. That is what I want to talk to you about this week. That is where we're headed with this. I want to talk to you about why scrolling at night, searching for things like how do I bring the spark back when I have kids? And why does my marriage feel like we're just roommates? Or how do I feel desired again as a mom or a dad, though my body has changed? Or, you know, the schedules just override everything else. I want you to know before we even get started on this, you're not broken. You're not failing. You are in the exact season that quietly steals desire from almost every couple that I've coached in the last eight years. And the beautiful news to this is that desire can come roaring back. That flame that is barely flickering, it can absolutely go into a full-blown roaring fire. And here's the thing: it doesn't happen with a big vacation or years of therapy, but with small, consistent choices that rebuild that safety and that friendship and the presence. And that is actually one of the things that makes my coaching a lot different than therapy, is that we focus heavily on rebuilding that friendship. Because one of Gottman's biggest theories is that the three things that you need in order to build a better marriage or to build a marriage at all is like a house. The two load-bearing walls that hold that frame up are commitment and trust, which, if trust has been rebroken, you're obviously not going to have desire. But that trust, I can teach you how to have trust again. I can't teach you to have commitment. You are either committed to your marriage or you're not. And that's something that's completely on you. But what fills that house, what makes it into a home, what makes the difference between you wanting to sit in your driveway for 20 minutes at night, just giving yourself a pep talk to go inside, or you rushing home and barely getting the car and park before you jump out and run inside. That is friendship. That difference is friendship. And most of the couples that come to me, that is the one thing that they're missing. And friendship is not just the five-year-old, hey, you want to be friends with me? kind of situation. It goes so deep. And a lot of the things that couples struggle with fall under that friendship category. So today we are going deeper than ever. We are pulling in proven research from obviously the Gottmans, sex therapist Vanessa Merrin. If you do not, if you do not follow Vanessa and Xander on Instagram, highly recommend that. They specialize in couples. Now, I will say they do not have kids. So they, and they've chosen not to have kids. So that is a component that doesn't always land well, but she is great at giving ideas and trying to be mindful of that. And then obviously, emotional sobriety expert Dr. Andrea Fitz, as always, plus my own faith-rooted experience coaching hundreds of couples with a 93% success rate over the last eight years. So by the end of this episode, my hope for you is that you are going to have a clear step-by-step plan that you can start tonight, even if your schedule is jam-packed and your energy is barely reading above empty. So settle in, grab your favorite beverage, and let's walk out of this mundane together. First, let's understand exactly why desire fades in this season, because knowledge is power. And I'm hoping that from that knowledge, you can be able to apply that to your own situation. So we're going to dive into what the Gottman Institute has discovered in their studies of thousands of couples, okay? And that is that desire and passionate sex aren't built on grand gestures. Now, in coaching hundreds of couples over the last eight years, here's what I will tell you. This is one of the most common things that I see couples getting wrong most often is that we want sex. And so then we go to our partner and it's like, oh, I'm gonna love bomb you with, you know, all the words of affirmation that you need. I'm gonna do the dishes, I'm gonna run the vacuum, I'm gonna do a load of laundry, I'm gonna tell you you're super hot, I'm gonna touch you, and I'm gonna hope that that makes a difference. The problem with that is that, and this is not just guys, this is women too. Okay. The problem with this is that that doesn't negate all of the hundreds and thousands of tiny bids for connection that you have missed or dismissed over the last two, three weeks, every single day. So if you, if this is the first podcast you've listened to, a bid is anything that your partner does to get your attention with the motive of connection. Okay. So it's a sigh, it's a look. It's them sending you reels. They may irritate the crap out of you, but that's what they're doing. When they're sending you things that they saw on social media, it's, hey, I'm thinking about my partner and I'm hoping that they will enjoy this, or I'm hoping that they will get something out of what I'm sending them to. It may just be reaching for your hand. In one six-year study of newlyweds, couples who stayed married turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time. Couples who later divorced, only 33% of the time did they turn towards their partner's bids. Not too long ago, and we've talked about this a couple of times on the podcast. So if you are a veteran here, I'm so sorry for repeating this, but it bears repeating. There was a social media trend where a woman would go to their partner and say, Hey, I saw a bird yesterday. And if their partner said something like, and, or, okay, cool, they failed the experiment. Whereas if they said, Oh, really? I saw a bird too. Was it a hawk? Or like they they asked follow-up questions. That is the difference between missing or dismissing that bid versus turning towards it. It's that 86% of the time versus 33% of the time, that's not small. That's huge. That is the difference between feeling desired or feeling invisible. The difference between feeling like your partner cares or the difference between feeling like they are completely indifferent to you. And this is something else that we that we get wrong, is that we think that the opposite of love is hate. It's not. The opposite of love is indifference. So when you stop turning towards your partner's bids, because most likely you did at least 86% of the time when you were dating, once you get married and you think, well, I already got them. So I don't really need to pursue this anymore. I don't need to try anymore. I don't need to put in that effort that I used to. When you are dating, you were setting the expectation, friend. So now you have failed on that expectation and your partner feels left out. They feel let down, they feel like they were duped or tricked. This is the difference. So when they start feeling invisible, that is when the quality of your friendship goes away. And that quality of your friendship is the single biggest predictor of sexual satisfaction. So what we're looking at here is that when you turn towards your partner's bits, when you care. I don't know why, but I feel like over the last, I'm gonna say since COVID, one of the trends that I have seen in a negative way is that people care less in their marriages. It's like it's harder for people to care. And I don't know if it's because we've gotten into so much self-centeredness, or if we're just so incredibly overwhelmed emotionally, physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, financially, all the things. I'm not sure what the reason is, but it's almost like I'm having to teach couples how to care about each other more frequently now than I ever did before COVID. It's really odd. But when we stop turning towards each other in those little moments, that emotional connection dies. We don't have the emotional safety. We tell our partner something, they don't turn towards it, they dismiss it, they miss it completely, they grunt, they say nothing. So we feel invisible. So then we don't have the emotional safety anymore to actually start talking to our partner about what it is that we want to say. We start looking elsewhere. We go to our friends, we go to our mom, we go to our kids, we go to other people. I feel like cheating is something else that has been on the rise. So trending downward is caring, trending upward is cheating in the last six years. And in thinking about that, that's probably why the divorce rates have risen to 60% at this point. When we stop turning toward each other in those little moments, not only does the emotional connection die, but the desire dies right behind it. Dr. Andrea Vitz, who has coached me, my marriage, she's an emotional sobriety expert. She's a relationship coach whose work I heavily lean on. She's been on the show several times and will be several more in the future. She takes it even further. She teaches that emotional reactivity, snapping, withdrawing, getting flooded when life gets hard, blocks the presence and safety that your marriage needs. So without that emotional sobriety, that level-headed, grounded state, desire doesn't have a safe place to land. You can't feel wanted when one or both of you are constantly in fight or flight mode. Vanessa Marin, who is the licensed sex therapist that I was talking about before, she's helped thousands reignite their sex lives. And she says that the biggest myth that we believe is I'll feel desire when life slows down or when the mood strikes. Most of us, especially moms and dads with kids, have responsive desire. When we have that idea of I'll feel desire when the mood strikes, that is a spontaneous desire. And once we have kids, a lot of times our desire shifts. We don't have a spontaneous desire anymore. We have a responsive desire. So it shows up after we start connecting. We have to create the conditions for that on purpose. And as we talk about on the podcast all the time, it takes intention. The thing about it is that God never designed marriage to lose its fire. Look at Song of Solomon. There is an entire chapter of the Bible dedicated to sex for this reason. First Corinthians 7 reminds us that our bodies belong to each other, but that belonging thrives when the heart and friendship come first. The mundane doesn't get the final word, and we have to change that. So, in order to do that, of course, I'm gonna give you some tools. The first tool I've got is the tie-to-eye reset. Now, this is Gotman approved and absolutely life-changing. Love this one. Every single day for 20 minutes, put your phones away, sit facing each other, kneecap to kneecap, if you can, and do this. For the first couple of minutes, I just want you to make on eye contact. No talking. You're just going to stare into each other's eyes. For most couples, this is going to be very uncomfortable and awkward. But it's important because most couples haven't truly seen each other in years. You walk into a room, you don't acknowledge that they're there, you just walk back walk past, or it's a hey, hey, how are you doing? Your ship's passing in the night. This tool alone starts rebuilding that emotional bank account that the Gotmans talk about all the time. It's amazing when you look at your partner just looking into their eyes. It's amazing what you can start to feel just with the energy that is passing between you. Now, after that, so that's gonna take like one to three minutes. All right. Now, for the next 10, 15 minutes, I want you to start taking turns answering this question. What is one thing that your partner did that made you feel seen or loved that day? And I want you to be ridiculously specific. Not, well, you were a good parent. I want you to say something like the way that you calmed our five-year-old down during that meltdown at dinner, I felt so supported. When you jumped in, when the 16-year-old mouthed off and was disrespectful, the way that you had my back, that was hot. That made me feel like you were being such a great leader in our family, like you were teaching him how to be a man, that you were teaching him what respect looks like, that you were teaching him that talking to women like that, much less his mother, is not okay. And I felt so supported by you. The way that you had my back and didn't negate the way that I was parenting this situation, that was amazing. Now I realize all three of those examples are on parenting. It can be anything. It can be the way that you jumped in when I had a flat tire, or when that bill needed paid, or when we got that email that needed to be addressed and you just took care of it. That was incredibly helpful. And it took so much off my plate. I'll give you an example. One of the couples that I was I've been working with last week we were in a session and she was just, she was struggling. She had a horrible day. She's very, very pregnant, and she was just struggling. And they have rental properties. And one of their runners had sent a text in the middle of our session that was like, hey, I can't remember what happened. Like the electric, the electricity went out or a breaker box was, I don't know. Something, something happened. And she was like, This, like, it's just too much. She starts crying. And all he did, this is all he did, he turned to her and he was like, Hey, it's okay. I'll take care of it. And immediately you could just see her shoulders relaxed. It was like she hadn't exhaled all day until that moment. That's all he did. He just said, It's okay, I'll take care of it. And she knew that he would as soon as they got off the call with me. And at that point, she was able to breathe again. It's those kinds of things. Now, when when they're going back and forth answering this question, that would be something that she said. When you told me that you would take care of it, and I knew that you would and I wouldn't have to ask again, it was like I felt like I could breathe again. Thank you so much for being so supportive and for always being the leader and for always having my back. That would be the kind of ridiculous specificity that I'm talking about. Okay. Now, for the rest of that time, pray together. I know that for a lot of you, maybe you don't have a specific faith. But what I will tell you is that as a believer in Jesus Christ, if you have not read Revelation in the Bible, just read like right now. I would encourage you just to read Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John and Revelation. Just those. Just those. And see what's happening in the world. Compare it to what's happening in the world. What I will also tell you is couples who pray together out loud, couples who pray together have a less than 1% chance of divorce. I told you earlier that studies now show that the divorce rate is up to 60%. If that right there, just praying together is gonna your chances by 59%, why wouldn't you try it? Why does this work so powerfully? Gottman research shows that eye contact and specific appreciation are the fastest ways to turn toward bids and build trust. When you turn away, when you dismiss or when you miss it completely, even if it's unintentionally, what happens is the thought in your in your partner's mind is oh, they don't care. They don't care about what I'm saying. They don't care about what's important to me. That may not be the case at all. But when you turn toward that bid, when you lay the phone down, when you put the laptop away, when you pause the TV and you look at your partner when they're talking to you, and you actually turn toward the bid, now your body language, your tone, and your words, so all 100% of communication, is saying, I do care what you're saying. I I care a lot. I love to hear what makes you excited. I love to be part of your world. Dr. Witz calls this emotional emotional sobriety in action, staying present instead of reactive. Vanessa Marin says that non-sexual connection like this is the gateway to that responsive desire. I had a couple in their late 30s with three kids tell me that after two weeks, they were holding hands again like teenagers. The wife actually cried and told me, I forgot what it felt like to be chosen instead of just needed all the time. If your spouse won't join in at first, you start. Desire and safety are contagious. When you become, and I and I know this because I have done it, I had to go first. I had to become the safe person in my marriage in order for us to reconcile. Desire and safety have to you, somebody has to go first, and that's maturity. Okay, tool number two. I want you to reclaim your microadventures, but I also want you to do something called chore play. Now, this is Vanessa Marin's favorite for busy parents. Desire loves novelty and play. This is why sex shops sh sell out of toys and costumes and things like that. Everything that I'm giving you can be done on a very Small scale. But here are some practical ideas that take less than 30 minutes. So number one, um, the 10 p.m. porch or couch date. No phones, just talking about anything except the kids and the calendar. If you need questions for this, if you need topics to discuss, my school community is absolutely free. And the resources in there, there are 40 questions for each month of the year. So I don't know, math is not my strong suit, but 40 times 12, whatever that is, that's how many questions you have to discuss. And it's things in there like there, it can be, you know, what does money mean to you? Um, how were finances and sex talked about in your family growing up, all the way to like, is your ice cream flavor, your favorite ice cream flavor still mint chocolate chip? So there's a range of like if you're really disconnected, maybe those heavier topics aren't things that you want to talk about. And maybe you're in a position with your marriage where you haven't gotten help yet, but you guys are struggling so bad that anything that you talk about is gonna start a fight. So you need those lighter, just getting to know you again questions in order to move forward with this activity. Those are in there. Okay. So, and there is there is every single month those questions run the gamut. Another option would be kitchen dance party while doing the dishes. I've seen this done, I've had this, we've done this, and it's absolutely so much fun. Another one is a remember when walk. This is actually a really good tool and works so much better when you are in conflict, especially, because you just the forward motion of you and your partner walking, you actually feel like you're moving forward in the same direction. You're accomplishing a goal. It feels productive, even though you're just walking. It's so simple. But remember when talk about a dating memory that you have, a memory of happier times that is also going to help your brain start focusing on positive things versus the negative in your life. Another one is a one-minute hug every single day. I absolutely love this. This is absolutely one of my most favorite tools that I have couples do. I do it in all my marriage retreats every single day and probably a couple of times a day during your retreats. The reason that it works so well is you set a timer for one minute. And again, it's awkward at first, but once you start getting into the habit of doing it, your body actually responds so well to this. It lowers cortisol, which is the stress hormone. It increases oxytocin, which is the happy love bonding hormone. It increases serotonin, which is what you need to sleep well at night. It's all of these, like all of the dopamine receptors, everything is higher. You actually get a bigger hit from a one-minute hug than you do from scrolling social media. So, this right here, these one-minute hugs every single day help you reconnect. They help build trust, they help you feel safer. Your nervous system actually starts to calm down. It starts to get you out of that fight or flight mode, and it starts getting you into that parasympathetic state where your partner feels safe again for you. I absolutely recommend the one-minute hug for every single couple, every single day. Whether you are struggling or whether you are doing great in your marriage, this is a tool that I absolutely recommend. And here's Vanessa Marin's game-changing tip that she calls chore play. Turn everyday chores into foreplay. If your partner handles bedtime or folds the laundry without being asked, that mental load relief creates space for desire, especially for women who carry so much. Sex for women is mental. Sex for men is visual. So when you're when your woman is laying there like a bump on a log and you're like, she is not into this, it's because she's carrying the weight of the world in her mind. You have to shut the mind off first before she's ever going to be able to have that space for true desire. So when you take over bathtime and bedtime, or if she's doing bathtime and bedtime and you're cleaning up the kitchen, that one small act can flip the switch from her being exhausted to her being willing. Now, I will caveat this by saying if she knows that you're only doing this for sex, she will start to resent you for it. You have to do it with the motive of this needs done, and I'm part of this team. So I'm going to do it. Not this needs done because I want sex, so I'm going to do this real quick so that she'll feel in the mood. She will know what your motive is and it will make all the difference in the world. Now, if you want to add this, there is a reason that there is a common saying in America of always kiss me goodnight. When you're kissing only for it to lead somewhere, when you're touching your partner in a non-sexual way, only for it to lead somewhere, again, it goes back to that motive. And your partner says, they're manipulating me, not I'm desired, I'm wanted. Kiss, hug, touch in a non-sexual way because you love them, because you desire them, because you want them, because they're your best friend in this life, not because you're going to get something. Now, here's the thing. We say always kiss me goodnight because Vanessa Marin, in her coaching, has talked about the fact that the saddest pattern that she sees is couples who only kiss when sex is on the table. It goes back to that manipulation that I was just talking about. If you kiss every single night, you feel more trusting of each other, you feel more connected. And the kiss doesn't have to lead anywhere. But a lot of times, because it rebuilds that touch and safety, it will lead somewhere. It doesn't have to, but a lot of times it will. Tool number three, the weekly desire check-in. We've talked so much about the weekly marriage check-in, and that template is in the school community under resources as well. The weekly desire check-in, you can actually add into that weekly marriage check-in. And this is the conversation that prevents years of drift. So every Sunday, Monday, whatever day starts your week, ask these three questions and actually listen without defending. So, question number one is on a scale of one to 10, how connected and desired do you feel this week? Maybe your wife is on her period and she's like, uh, zero. Not happening. Okay, cool. What's one thing that would help you feel more seen or desired in the next seven days? Maybe you do hand jobs, maybe you do shower sex, maybe you do blowjobs, maybe you do whatever whatever the case may be, maybe you just cuddle, maybe you just make out. So any of those things can be a great alternative if your partner is feeling a low level of desired and connectivity. Maybe you just sit and have more face-to-face conversation than you normally do. Third question is is there anything I've done, even unintentionally, that made you feel distant? This is really important because it helps us grow together. It helps us learn each other. So that best friend energy, that's how you're gonna show up. You're learning about your best friend. What makes them tick? Because what you think and feel and what makes you feel distant isn't gonna be the same thing as what they think and feel and what makes them feel distant. And then pray together. This is pure Gottman. Turning toward bids instead of away. It builds that emotional safety that Dr. Vitz says is required for real presence, and it gives your partner permission to share what they actually need, which is exactly how responsive desire gets activated. Okay. Now, tool number four, the responsive desire practice. And we're gonna do a seven-day reset challenge. So putting all of this together. Vanessa Marin actually teaches to stop waiting to feel the desire and aim for willing. Start small and let your body and your heart catch up. So here's your seven-day challenge. Tell your spouse you're doing it and invite them. Invite them. That is the key. Invitations work a lot better than we're doing this. All right. So days one to two, you're gonna do the eye to eye reset daily and one 20-second kiss good night. Days three to four, you're gonna do one micro adventure and the full desire check-in that I just gave you, those three, those three questions. Five and six, days five and six, you're gonna add chore play. Do one helpful act for each other and a nightly kiss. And then day seven, you're gonna pray together and celebrate one win, no matter how small it is. Celebrating the small wins is arguably more important than celebrating the big ones in life. I have watched couples go from we haven't had sex in over a year, to we feel like newlyweds again, using these exact steps. Now, here is something that I will I will also add: sex and intimacy are not the same thing. Anybody can have sex. Anybody. People do this all the time. Where you meet someone, you have sex with them on night one. That's not intimacy. Intimacy is deeper. That is where you get connection that you are looking for. That's the whole reason that you have that you want the sex in the first place, is for that connection. And a lot of people, especially if you have an insecure attachment style, you are looking for that connection. You are having sex, and that's why you wake up the next morning feeling empty. That's why in your marriage, sex feels like a chore, or why sex doesn't feel as fulfilling as you think it should. Because you're missing the intimacy of that. You cannot have the intimacy unless you have emotional safety, connection, and you feel like your partner always has your back. That's why people who cheat, the sex isn't fulfilling. It's a cheap thrill, and then they feel like absolute garbage because they know that they've hurt their partner. There's no intimacy there. That deeper faith layer, that deeper I know you, I love you, I love you unconditionally. I'm always gonna have your back. That trust, that is the intimacy that you get when you have connected all those other three spaces before. We call it, we've talked about it on the podcast a lot. It's playing baseball. First base is emotional safety. Can your partner come to you and talk to you about anything in the world and you don't dismiss them, get defensive, be childish? It there's no fight that escalates out of it. Second base is connection. Do you know your partner? Do you know them for who they are now, not who they were when you were dating? And then third base is emotional intimacy. Do you have their back no matter what? Can they trust that what you say you're going to do or what you've said to them is the truth, that you are going to do it, that you're going to fulfill that. Now, let me speak directly to the spiritual side because this is where most advice stops short. God designed desire as part of a covenant love. You create a covenant between yourselves and God the day that you get married. You're not just promising your wife to provide and protect. You're not just promising your husband to be soft and to respect him and to be the leader. You're also promising God to take care of each other. And this is what makes me different than every other coach because of how deep we go when we are coaching together. When reactivity or disconnection creeps in, we're actually letting something steal the testimony of our marriage. We are idolizing a schedule, the imaginary medal of honor that we get from being busier than everybody else. Our phones. We're idolizing those things over our marriage. But when we practice emotional sobriety, when we turn towards each other, when we create space for responsive connection, we're aligning with how Christ loves the church. Fully present, pursuing forgiving intentionality. I have seen prayer over these small intentional practices move mountains. When you pray together, Jesus, awaken the desire that you designed for us. He answers. I have seen it more times than I can count. For some of you who are out there listening, the thought that is reverberating in your brain is what if my spouse won't participate? Start anyway. Your consistent presence and non-reactivity will speak louder than your words. I have seen and experienced in my own home a reluctant partner that comes around in 10 to 14 days. For some of you, that thought that's reverberating is well, what if my desire feels completely dead? That's okay. Responsive desire means that we start with connection first. The Gottmans and Vanessa have both said that it can come back even after years. I will also say you may need to get your hormones checked. I am not a huge fan of Western medicine. I will always and forever recommend functional or holistic medicine over Western medicine. If you need a good doctor, a good hormone doctor, there is a doctor online. Her name is Dr. Renee Wellenstein. Wellenstein Wellenstein? I don't know how to say her last name, but it's um W-E-L-L-E-N-S-T-E-I-N. Dr. Renee Wellenstein. She has a podcast. She is also great. And she will do, she is a double board certified O BGYN. She will do this for you. She will, she will test the right hormones. Now, for some of you, you might be thinking, I'm just too exhausted. These tools are tiny on purpose. 10, 15, 20 minutes tops, one kiss, one helpful chore, they compound. And here's the thing: for men who are listening, what you need to understand is that for women, especially if they have a responsive desire, women are like ovens where men are like microwaves. It takes us a little bit longer to get heated up. That's why if you do one to two of these every single day, then you don't have to worry about preheating the oven on the day that you actually want to have sex. She's already preheated. You're good. And your marriage is a lot stronger because of that consistency. Even in seasons where life felt so heavy too. Raising our two boys, one teenager, one pre-K, running everything, running two companies, having a husband that's a pilot that's gone all the time, wondering if real connection would ever feel easy again. There were nights where I felt reactive and distant. But every time I went back to these practices, staying level-headed, turning towards my husband in the little moments, creating space instead of waiting for that mood to strike. God met us there. And the hundreds of couples that I have coached over the last eight years have lived the same story. Here is the thing, friend: the mundane season doesn't get the final word. Desire absolutely can come back stronger, even if trust has been broken, even if your marriage feels like it is on its last dying leg. If it is that bad, get help. This is one of the things that I absolutely specialize in. Your marriage can feel alive and connected and passionate again, even with kids, no kids, jobs, the house, the dog, everything else pulling at you. Even if you feel like your marriage is too far gone, there is absolutely, absolutely a 100% chance that your marriage can feel incredible and passionate and like that fire has gone from a small candle flame to a roaring fire in an outdoor fire pit again. You were created for more than just surviving side by side. You were created to thrive together. And if this episode stirred something deep in you and you're thinking, I want personalized help to make this real in my marriage, I have lived it, I have done it, I have helped hundreds of others do it too. And I would be honored to walk with you. Head to my website right now, the link is in the show notes. Book a free consultation. No pressure, just an honest conversation to see if one-on-one coaching, couples coaching, or my school community is your next step. In the school community, men are stepping into healthy, strong, masculine leaders at home through forging fortitude. Women are learning to walk in that soft feminine strength as a Proverbs 31 wife through edifying Eden. There are more resources and workshops and free things that you can indulge in than you will know what to do with. We do this work together, practically and with faith. All of the links that you need are in the show notes. Thank you for trusting me with a sacred part of your life. And until next week, stay married and connected. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. Every couple stories you need, so take what's helpful and leave the rest. By listening to this podcast, you acknowledge that neither I, Cameron Thompson, Alaricki, Married and Connected, or recognizing potential coaching are responsible for any outcomes related to what you apply from this show. Especially if you are not a client of mine.