Ep 139: Executive Functioning- The Hidden Skill Making or Breaking Your Entire Household

What executive functioning really is, why it’s causing so much frustration in marriages and homes right now, and the research-backed ways to strengthen it — so you can show up as better humans, better parents and better spouses.

Description:

Feeling like one of you always carries the mental load? Forgetting plans, struggling to start tasks, or reacting in the heat of the moment? In this deep-dive episode of Married and Connected, certified marriage coach Kameran explains executive functioning — the brain’s air traffic control system — using research from Dr. Adele Diamond, Drs. Peg Dawson and Richard Guare, Dr. Russell Barkley, Dr. Thomas E. Brown, the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, and more.

You’ll learn:
• Exactly what executive functioning is and the 11 key skills that show up every day in marriage
• How EF deficits create resentment, miscommunication, and “parent-child” dynamics (with real-life examples you’ll recognize)
• Why modern life makes these struggles more common than ever
• Practical, evidence-based ways to improve executive functioning together as a couple
• How stronger EF leads to less conflict, deeper connection, shared responsibility, and a thriving marriage

Rooted in real-life parenting, eight years coaching hundreds of couples (93% success rate), and faith-based wisdom, this episode gives you immediate tools to turn frustration into teamwork.

If you’re tired of feeling like roommates and ready for a marriage that feels like a true partnership, this is your turning point.

Book your FREE 30-minute consultation today — no pressure, just honest guidance on 1:1 coaching, couples coaching, or my Skool community.

In the Skool community, men learn healthy, strong masculinity at home and women learn soft, feminine strength as a Proverbs 31 wife.

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Keywords / Tags:
executive functioning marriage, executive function in relationships, ADHD marriage executive dysfunction, improve executive functioning couples, Peg Dawson executive skills, Adele Diamond executive functions, Russell Barkley executive functions, marriage mental load, better communication marriage, emotional regulation marriage

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What are you feeding your mind right now? If it's social media, are you tired of doom scrolling through the angry comment sections and political rants yet? What if you use that time to actually fix your marriage? Welcome to the free married and connected school community. It's like social media, but without the ads, without the judgment, and without the noise. Just real self-paced tools that get you out of that roommate phase starting today. Inside, you get an exact blueprint for a weekly State of the Union meeting with your spouse. We're cutting mental load, we're stopping miscommunications, and we're breaking that exhausting loop of doom argument once and for all. Plus, you get instant access to workshops on overcoming resentment and bringing the actual fun back into your marriage. We have a dedicated space just for guys jumping into forging fortitude. It's a 10-week intensive to help you step into your masculine leadership and become the husband and man that God called you to be. And for ladies joining Edifying Eden, we're stepping out of that controlling, nagging era into our soft, nurturing feminine era. Even if your husband hasn't taken the reins yet. Either way, you can take responsibility for your side of the street. Stop scrolling the internet and start investing in your home. The community is 100% free with options to purchase certain courses. Click the link in the show notes and join the Married and Connected school community today. I'll see you inside. Marriage isn't supposed to feel like roommates, but it doesn't have to feel like a war either. Hi, I'm Cameron Alaricki, certified marriage coach and a relationship expert. Every week on Married and Connected, I bring you real talk, hard truths, and practical tools you can start using right away. Whether you've been married two years or 42, this is where you'll find hope, encouragement, and steps that actually work. So let's make your marriage feel good again, starting right now. Hey friend, welcome back to another episode of the Married and Connected podcast. I'm your host, Cameron Alaricki. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever looked at your husband or your wife or your teenage child and been like, why? Why is it that you cannot plan or organize? Why are you so impulsive? Why does your brain not work the same way that my brain does? Is this an issue for you? Because it is for a lot of marriages. It is plaguing a lot of marriages and a lot of parenting. And today we are going to jump into that. It is a deep dive on executive functioning. This is the hidden skill that is making or breaking your marriage. And we are going to cover exactly what it is, how it shows up in your marriages, the good, the frustrating, and the painful, why it feels like so many of us are struggling with it these days, and evidence-based ways to improve it. And most importantly, how strengthening these skills, because they are learned, turns you into not only a better human, but a better spouse. As always, I am pulling straight from the leading experts, neuroscientist Dr. Adele Diamond, psychologist Dr. Peg Dawson, and Dr. Richard Guarre, authors of Executive Skills in Children and Adolescents and Smart But Scattered, Dr. Russell Barclay and Dr. Thomas E. Brown on Executive Functions and ADHD, the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, and research from the Cleveland Clinic and UCSF Memory and Aging Center. As always, no fluff, no social media takes, just solid medical and psychological research that you can trust. And by the end, I hope that you are going to be able to see yourself and your partner a little bit more clearly, maybe have a little bit more compassion, maybe a little bit more humility, and you're going to have all the practical tools that you need in order to start implementing them tonight to help your executive functioning. So, first, what exactly is executive functioning? This is a word that you're starting to hear a little bit more often. And Dr. Adele Diamond, who is a leading neuroscientist, describes executive functions as the mental skills that allow us to mentally play with ideas, take the time to think before acting, and meet novel challenges, resist temptations, and stay focused. So this is basically your brain's air traffic control center. The higher order processes that help you manage information, make decisions, plan ahead, regulate your thoughts, emotions, and actions so that you can reach goals. If you have a lower executive functioning, whenever your spouse or you come to your spouse, whenever something is said between the two of you of, hey, let's sit down and have our weekly marriage business meeting. Hey, let's plan that trip. Let's do the budget. Let's figure out or organize our calendar. Things like that. And that tightness in your chest. And they're like, uh, I gotta do anything else. Clean out the garage. I gotta go to the gym. I gotta, whatever the case may be, this is that. The lack of executive functioning makes people panic when they have to organize or plan or anything like that. And at the core of executive functioning, here are the basic three foundational skills. First one is inhibitory control. Do they resist impulses? Do they ignore distractions? Do they stay in control of their emotions and behavior? Are they able to do that? Second one is working memory, holding information in their mind while also using it. Does it feel like you have to tell them a thousand times before they finally get something? Does it feel like they just are not understanding what you're saying? Like they just don't get it. Like remembering what your spouse said about dinner plans while you're also thinking about the kids' homework. Is that a possibility? Okay, are they able to do that? Do they have a working memory that functions well? Third one is cognitive flexibility. We're talking when there's a glitch in the matrix of the day, do they shift gears? Are they able to see things from another person's perspective? Are they able to adapt when plans change without absolutely losing their marbles or taking two or three hours or even an entire day to actually shift those gears? From there, experts like Dawson and Guar break it down into 11 practical executive skills that show up every single day. And here's the 11: response inhibition, working memory, emotional control, flexibility, not in your body, but in are you able to be flexible during the day, sustained attention, task initiation, planning and prioritization, organization, time management, goal-directed persistence, and metacognition, as in are they able to think about what they're thinking? Okay, these are not personality traits or willpower. They are neurologically based skills that are centered in the prefrontal cortex. And they are what let us turn good intentions into real actions. So if your partner or if your child is constantly saying, Yeah, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna get to that, I'm gonna be this, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, but it never actually comes to fruition, this is the problem. They have an executive functioning skill issue. So here's how it also shows up in marriage, okay? When you have strong executive functioning, it shows up as teamwork that really feels effortless. You and your spouse plan a weekend away without any last-minute chaos. One of you notices, big key word there, notices that the other is overwhelmed and steps in to handle bedtime without being asked. You remember to follow through on the promise that you made last week. And when plans change, you adapt together instead of arguing. Emotional regulation stays online. You can pause, you can breathe, and you can respond instead of reacting. The mental load feels shared, not lopsided or one-sided. But when executive functioning is weak or mismatched between partners, it creates patterns that feel painfully familiar to so many couples that I coach. Take task initiation, for example, or time management. One spouse might struggle to start chores or follow through with plans. The other one comes home to a sink full of dishes, kids' backpacks that are still unpacked, a calendar that's never updated. The partner with the stronger EF or executive functioning ends up carrying the mental load. Reminding, planning, feeling like a parent instead of a partner, picking up the slack all the time. And over time, that creates a ton of resentment. Why do I have to be the one to think of everything? Why do I have to be the one to carry all the mental load? Why do I have to be the one that does everything all the time? Okay, now let's look at emotional control and flexibility. A spouse with weaker inhibitory control might blurt out frustration and the hate of the moment. God, you never listen. Without pausing to consider their tone, their timing, the other partner feels attacked, shuts down, conversation spirals. Now, working memory issue shows up when one spouse forgets details from a conversation that you had yesterday. This is why you're constantly, if you have the higher EF, you're looking at your partner going, Are you serious right now? We literally just talked about this. It's not that they have on early onset dementia. It's not that they're not listening, it's not that they don't care. It's that they have weak EF. And yes, it does leave you feeling unseen, unimportant, not cared about, things like this. But when we assign that meaning, we're actually assigning a meaning that it doesn't really mean. What we really, what it really means is that our partner just has low executive functioning. This cognitive inflexibility makes it really hard to pivot when the kid's schedule changes or your partner suggests a different approach to money or parenting or something like that. Dr. Thomas E. Brown describes these patterns in couples where one or both have ADHD level executive function challenging. So Dr. Thomas E. Brown describes these patterns in couples where one or both partners have ADHD level executive function challenges. Forgetfulness leads to missed commitments, disorganization creates chaos around shared responsibilities, poor emotional regulation turns like really small issues into big conflicts. And what's fascinating to me is that research on ADHD in marriage shows that couples often experience higher conflict, lower intimacy, and that parent-child dynamic that I was talking about just a minute ago, where one spouse feels like they're managing a teenager instead of married to a partner with equal value. I've seen it in my own life. I've seen it with couples that I've coached over the last eight years. One husband told me, I love her, but every night it is the same exact fight about the dishes because I just don't start them. His wife feels exhausted from always being the manager, and he feels exhausted from constantly having the monkey on his back. Another wife that I was working with described lying awake at night and she just replays the day because her working memory just keeps her constantly mentally reviewing unfinished tasks while her husband's over there asleep. He fell asleep, you know, two minutes after his head hit the pillow. He's already moved on. This is where to-do lists, people with low executive functioning, live and die by to-do list. And if you're not on the to-do list, so they literally have to have check-in with wife, check-in with spouse, check-in with child, like every third thing on their to-do list. Because if you're not on the to-do list, you don't get the attention that you need. And this is where the person with the higher EF in the marriage feels unloved, unwanted, undesired, not thought about, uncared for, unseen, unheard, not valued. All of these things. Do you see how the marriage can quickly dwindle? These aren't character flaws. They're executive function mismatches that quietly erode your connection. So why does it feel like so many people are struggling with executive functioning these days? Well, experts point to increased cognitive demands of modern life. The Harvard Center on Developing Child notes that today's world requires more planning, multitasking, and constant adaptation than ever before. We're juggling work and parenting and finances and technology. Are you hydrated enough and are you eating the right things? But social media says that you're not eating the right things, but another social media site says that you are eating the right things. Which one's right, which one's not? Chronic stress, which research shows impairs the prefrontal cortex, further taxes these skills. Poor sleep, high mental load from constant notifications. The pace of daily life makes it all harder for the brain's air traffic control system to keep up. Now, in all of these, especially if you are a pilot wife, did you just see your pilot husband in all of these? Dr. Adele Diamond's work highlights that executive functions are highly malleable. They can be strengthened, but they're also vulnerable when life overloads the system. Here's the good news executive functioning can actually be improved at any age. Dawson and Guar's research-based approach shows that with the right strategies, these skills grow through practice, just like building any other muscle. So here's how you strengthen them in your marriage. First, start small and consistent. Environmental supports. Make the invisible visible. Shared calendars, visual checklists on the fridge for household tasks, phone reminders that ping both of you. Reduce the decision fatigue by creating routines. For example, a Sunday evening 10-minute planning meeting where you review the week together. I have a template, a free template for that in my school community under resources if you're interested in that. And these work for your kids too. A picture schedule for littler kids, task lists for older kids. Second, direct teaching and practice. Break big tasks into tiny steps and then rehearse them. If task initiation is a struggle, agree on a body double technique. So sit together where one of you starts the tour, the other one offers gentle encouragement. This is gonna feel kind of condescending. It's gonna feel like you have a small child, but for working memory, repeat and confirm habit is the key there. So after a conversation about plans, one of you says it back out loud so that both brains lock it in. It's helpful if the person with the lower EF is the one that repeats it back. Third, we're gonna build emotional regulation and flexibility with small pauses. Now, emotional sobriety training is the key here, but in the meantime, small pauses. Dr. Russell Barkley's work on inhibition emphasizes that practicing a 10-second pause before you react is huge. Now, this is gonna take some work because in the moment, when you want to respond, or when you're trying to respond just to respond instead of responding to listen, taking that 10-minute pause and remembering it is gonna be really difficult in the beginning. So, what I like to recommend is a name it to tame it tool. So when tension rises, say out loud, hey, I'm feeling flooded. Hey, I'm feeling really angry, I'm feeling sad right now. Can we take a breath and come back in five minutes? Over time, this strengthens that inhibitory control. Fourth, goal-directed persistence and metacognition. So that tiny shared goals. So this week we will have one date night together. This week we are going to organize half of the garage. This week we have soccer practice Monday, tennis meet on Tuesday, and taekwondo on Friday. Review what works and what doesn't. This coaching, where one partner can gently prompt the other without taking over, is huge. But the biggest thing, and you guys are gonna hate me for saying this, but it's consistency. Consistency is the key here. Five to 10 minutes a day of focused practice compounds real change. This is, we live 95% of our lives on autopilot. This is how you come home from your job, you go through the stoplight, you get to your driveway, and you're like, man, I don't even remember going through that stoplight, but I know I did because that's how I get home every single day. That's the 95% that we live on autopilot. We have 60,000 thoughts, and 80% of them are exact same thoughts that we had yesterday. Am I getting enough water? Do I need electrolytes? What are we having for dinner? Those things over and over and over. When we consciously get into that 5% of our day, that 5% where we are cognitive and no longer on autopilot, but actually consciously thinking about what we're doing and we have consistency in that, that is what increases our executive functioning. So when you improve that executive functioning, everything else shifts for you as a person, for you as a spouse, for you as a parent. And as individuals, a stronger EF means better self-control, clearer thinking, less overwhelm, and more confidence. You follow through on what matters. You regulate emotions instead of being ruled by them. You're able to not just manage but thrive in relationships that once felt really hard and overwhelming. You handle life's curveballs and glitches in the matrix with flexibility. Research from the Cleveland Clinic and UCSF shows that this leads to better overall health, lower stress, and a reported greater life satisfaction. In marriage, it is absolutely transformative. You share the mental load instead of resenting it. Instead of showing up and saying, How can I help you? You notice things that need to be done and just do them without being asked. And that increases trust, it increases connection, and it increases emotional intimacy. Conflict decreases because not only do you repair faster and listen better, you're also more connected. Intimacy grows. Emotional safety returns because you both feel seen, supported, capable, and all of those feelings of I'm not loved, I'm not wanted, desired, seen, heard, understood, et cetera, all of that comes back because now you do feel those. You become true teammates who plan and dream and adapt together instead of one of you feeling like you're doing all the work and your partner's just coming along for the ride. Couples who strengthen these skills report higher satisfaction, deeper friendship, which is the absolute key to all marriages. Friendship, trust, and commitment. Well, the commitment you've already got, the trust is rebuilt through higher executive functioning, and your friendship is deepened. Win. Win, win, win, win, win all the way around. And marriage that feels like a safe haven instead of another item on your to-do list, you don't actually have to write, check in with wife, check in with husband, be a parent on your to-do list because you're just doing it. Now hear me on this. Executive functioning is not about being perfect, it is about showing up with intention and the right tools. You and your spouse can build these skills together and create the connected, thriving marriage that you both want. Now, if this episode hits home and you are thinking, man, we could really use some personalized guidance to make these changes stick, I would be honored to help. I am looking for five new couples to start coaching with me between April 15th and May 1st of 2026. If that is you and you are interested in being one of those couples, head to my website, www.recognizingpotential.com, or you can click the link in the show notes to book a free 30-minute consultation that is just an honest conversation, no pressure between you and me and your spouse. And we can talk about coaching, what it looks like, what it feels like, how it's wildly different than therapy and counseling, and how it can help you. But also, my school community is a possible next step. In the school community, men are learning healthy, strong masculinity traits to be leaders at home. Women are learning to walk in their soft feminine strength as Proverbs 31 wives. And we do this work together, both practically and with faith. Check out the links in the show notes. Also, if this episode resonated with you or you feel like your spouse could benefit from this information, share this episode on your socials, share it with your spouse, tag me at married.and.connected. Until next week, stay married and connected. We've all seen it. The messy social media messages, the public tea spilling, and the absolute embarrassment of finding out that your life is a lie through a Facebook post or an Instagram message that your spouse thought was hidden. What if it didn't have to be like that though? What if you could find out before their affair got too deep? Statistics show that over 20% of marriages deal with infidelity. And most affairs last for years because they thrive in the dark. It's time to turn the lights on. Verified.com is the world's first searchable relationship registry. It's not just an app, it's a digital boundary for your marriage. When you register your spouse on verified, you are claiming your relationship on a global scale, whether you're talking, you're dating, or you're married. If another man or woman is being told your spouse is single or divorced and they search for your spouse on the registry, they find you instead. Now here's the game changer. Verified allows you to speak one-on-one and directly with that other person. No gaslighting from your spouse. No, he said, she said, no, oh my God, you went through my phone. How could you betray my trust like that? And zero social media drama. Just the truth, person to person, before things go too far. Don't wait for that gut feeling to become a nightmare. Because even if you think your spouse would never, there's an even better chance that you just never know. Register your spouse today using the link in the show notes and lock in your legacy to protect your peace. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. Every couple story is unique, so take what's helpful and leave the rest. By listening to this podcast, you acknowledge that neither I, Cameron Thompson, Alaricki, married and connected, or recognizing potential coaching are responsible for any outcomes related to what you apply from this show. Especially if you are not a client of mine.